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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE July, 1991

Gay Steppers

by Mark Chadbourne

Backs walking away. The words alone bring up all sorts of issues. Before recovery, we went through life thinking our relationships just happen. Now that we have an understanding of our families of origin and the roles we played, we can see how we carry our roles into all or our adult relationships.

In our recovery from codependence, we grieve the losses we encountered as children. We give up trying to make up for that in our adult relationships. We grow up. There are growing pains which come naturally in the process. One pain we will experience is called accountability.

The Back Walking Away, a phrase coined by Pia Mellody, is a common role we play as adults in our relationships as codependent/addicts. The BWA, for short, is a grown up Lost Child. The lost child learned to get attention codependently. A sense of empowerment was gained through addictions and roles. The BWA as a Lost Child left the house, hid out or withdrew in some way in order to avoid the feelings of abandonment. We learned to withhold. This was the set-up for our addictions.

The natural pattern of the Lost Child is first to experience abandonment by one or both of the parents. The Lost Child learned to pretend. We pretended we didn't care

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that we were affected. The Lost Child learned to avoid reality by putting on the mask of Loner, or the classic addict's mask of "I'll show you I don't care." You know the look-"I don't need you, I don't need anything, I can do it myself, leave me alone."

The next phase of the Lost Child's withholding is withdrawal and projection. Withholding is used to protect ourselves from further abandonment. We step back away from our feelings of hurt and fear. In our emotional withdrawal, we begin to project what we are not willing to deal with about our own feelings out onto others. We get into our addictions. All BWAs are addicts of some kind. Any addiction will do, to relieve the stresses of our codependence.

The results of the stresses of codependence are the addictive behaviors we find in our relationships as adults. The Lost Child as an adult is the Back Walking Away. Experiencing closeness to people is extremely uncomfortable yet desperately desirable. The BWA seeks relief through role patterns and addictions. Just like the Lost Child, the BWA distances, both from their own emotions and from others. This is a continuation of the role of lost child.

As Sheppard B. Kominars writes in Accepting Ourselves, his book for recovering gay and lesbian alcoholics, these ad-

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dicts stay in denial just as heterosexuals do, by fooling themselves into believing it is the fear of something or someone instead of their disease that makes them hang onto their addictions and roles.

Trusting people isn't safe, not as safe as trusting the highs of addictions. Trusting the roles of Lost Child or BWA feels safe. We punish ourselves the way we were punished as kids. And we do the same to others. In addictive thinking, people are disposable when they are viewed as objects. And objects don't abandon people, people throw away objects. Others become objects of convenience. People as objects become our emotional fix. We manipulate others in order for us to feel more comfortable. When they don't comply, we distance. We believe the lies that our addictions tell us. We begin to feel smothered by our own neediness and project it on others. We fear losing ourselves in our relationships, but how can we lose something we don't have in the first place, as Ann Wilson Schaef puts it. For addict/codependents, it is other-esteem, rather than a sense of self from within.

The BWA uses these tried and true processes in order to stay in the Lost Child role-a position the BWA believes gives a sense of power and esteem. In order to break out of this pattern, the BWA needs to confront these symptoms in their behavior and learn new skills in relating with others. The following symptoms of the Back Walking Away come from the works of Patrick Carnes, Pia Mellody and Janet Hurley.

1. Don't talk. If it's not comfortable, keep your mouth shut. Don't discuss feelings, thoughts or behaviors. Keep a TV or

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continued from page 8

bian discrimination affects them and their lives. They can describe overt or subtle affronts to their dignity, the emotional and practical cost of living in the closet, antigay violence, or discrimination in employment and housing services.

Stories and diaries will be accepted in any form, preferably typewritten, one or two pages in length. They can be signed or unsigned and should be sent by September 15 to P-FLAG Discrimination Diary Project, Post Office Bocx 27605, Washington, DC 20038. P-FLAG will contact writers before using stories for media or press purposes.

radio on. Veg out. Dissociate. 2. Always pretend. Be pleasant. When the fear of abandonment becomes unmanageable, use seduction, create a crisis, become needy. The BWA seeks the high of being in power and controlling the relationship. 3. Always be strong. Use "silent violence" or rage to keep partner at a safe emotional distance. 4. Duck confrontations. Avoid the subject. Out of sight, out of mind. Always be right. Always be mature. 5. Always have an excuse or an exit available. Have plenty of distractions. Any addiction will do. 6. Make your partner guess at what you want. Take passive approach to get needs met and never sit with your back to the door. 7. Look for character defects in partner. BWAs enter relationships with grandiosity, in a one-up position. Hard to get, but always interested. 8. Have a support system of enablers or “yes” friends. Enablers give ample excuses for acting out. Most BWAS are alcoholic or sex addicts or workaholics. Any addiction will do.

For those involved with BWAs, it is helpful to understand the BWAs need to be involved on a shallow level with many people simultaneously is filled by their enablers. It takes many people to fill the void of the very prominent father or mother whose emotional support was withheld. The pain experienced from witnessing a powerful parent withholding attention from his or her children sets up the BWA's neediness for attention. The Lost Child as an adult BWA can't commit either way. This guarantees the need to continue the addictions. When the BWA is confronted by their own neediness for distance, they push others away through their ambivalence, or eventually will end the relationship and move on to connect with someone else. This allows the role of Lost Child to remain unhealed which protects the addictions.

The good news is that we have the Steps and we can change. We can move from successive relationships that fail to successful relationships that work. It takes a lot of work and a lot or growing up. But we no longer have to defeat ourselves or our recoveries. With willingness, courage and honesty, and the maturity required to hold ourselves accountable, we can move beyond our codependence and begin to be present to ourselves and others. No longer will we automatically abandon ourselves emotionally, but instead allow others to love us as we love ourselves. We can have the relationships we deserve!

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